Negative!!!!!

I feel like im lost.... Im pissed off, upset...and all the negative energies are suffocating me.
Im thinking about praying, but then..*sigh*..
Now i cant even help myself...I dont know how to help myself.
Why do poor people become poorer?

Im pissed off...Im mad... Im upset!

In Love With Myself or Actually Not?

I think im so in love with myself that im afraid to take a risk by loving others. Im afraid that i might get hurt if i love others. Not that it never happen before but i just dont want it to happen again.
I lose some of my friends because of this. Because i cant forgive, if i cant forgive then that mean i cant love them... I do want to love them, to be friends again but then i dont want them to hurt me again. Why am i so afraid of changes?
Then again, if i so in love with myself, i should be happy. Not worrying myself about getting hurt over and over again. I guess that makes you human. I should be stronger now. But what if......
I envy these two pups. They have each other, for now. I took this pic last sunday. The brown one, i called him Rover and the black one...Im not sure which pup is that, because i have 3 black pups~ 2 female and 1 male. Actually they are not mine, but since i 'attached' to them, i called them mine. Back to the story, these pups have each other...like friends, bestfriends. I wish i could have 1 bestfriend (since its so hard for me to 'have' bestfriend, i guess 1 is ok) who 'can' understand me. Owh...i do have bestfriends, but i want girl bestfriend. Someone who understand girl thing and someone you can hang out with on GNO. But then.....
Since i cant trust anyone, im very thankful to the Man Above (beside myself, He's the only one that i can trust). Hoping that someday He will listen and do some 'miracle'.

I always thought that if i do the right thing, treat people right, then good thing will happen to me. But then.....

Imaginary Boyfriend LOL!

Lets be Funny today. Feel like wanna share this with the world (What am i thinking...???)
Seriously, this is my imaginary boyfriend or actually my 'Dream Guy'.....Not that he dont have a face (like in the picture) but better not to put the 'face' there...i might never find my dream 'guy' LOL!
Physically, something like this. Fit, toned & sporty. Not the one with huge beer belly & flabby arms or 'muscle guy'.. Of course he can drink but not 'too much', that cause 'amnesia'. Since i love exercising, then i guess he must be 'sporty' too, adventurous :D
The way he 'dress'...'simple but nice', just like in the picture-for everyday wear. For working, up to him. Jeans or pants- not the 'carrot pants'! thats sooo 'teenager' or the 'high waist pant'~make him look 'bloaty'. Accessories? Watch will be 'extra nice'. Time is precious :) Ring will be fine, earring~depends...Shoe? This is the 'fun' part. Boot will be a 'turn on' ~Evil grin~ I love boots! I wish i have one! or may be two pairs :D but not the high heel boot! More into 'guy-kind-of-boot' or 'cowboy boot'..Hehehehe.
Like i said earlier, Adventurous, GSOH (luv it!!!), 'gentleman'.... Inner beauty is better (the best actually) than physical.

Sleepy Head with Loads of Things

I love sleeping. I can spend the whole day sleeping and dreaming. but of course 'they' will say "get a life!"...

Yesterday, i had this very weird but funny dream, at first, i mean, in the beginning..i was scare but then my dream have this very nice ending. Its not what they called 'happy ending' but it makes me feel 'peace'. So, here's the story....

I was inside this never-been-here-before house, outside there was a parade-i think... soldier 'camping out' or resting under the canopies and marching. There are also toy soldiers everywhere on the road. I was with 2 strangers, a woman and a girl, inside the house, then i got out, chatting with the armies outside. Then i realize the house was haunted and suddenly there was this, a very strong wind. It happen just for a while but it happened twice. And there's one time i said 'please leave me alone, dont disturb me'. Then, the next thing i remember i was running..in marathon. Surprise, surprise because im the only girl among the 'runners' and seem like i was being chase..but actually no, not until i said to the guy behind me 'catch me if you can'. Then i run 'like a wind', left-right-circle-straight....and he could not catch me, lucky me cos i dont really like him ~Bad Girl~ I keep running until i catch up with the others. Then i arrive at my 'house'..i guess. Im planning to take a shower but something is missing...there's no more 'bathroom' and i was somewhere i dont know, may be someone's village and i was standing beside the road looking at 'my once bathroom'. When i recalled back this part of 'the dream', this part was funny! Because i already know my bathroom is not there but i keep looking for it, searching here and there behind the bushes~like i could magically find it there LOL! But who know, it might magically appear there (Hey, its my dream).. Since i really 'need' a shower, so i tried to figure out where am i and how to get back home. Then tried to hitch a ride but nobody 'help' me, so i just walk...walk until i find a bus stop, but...(fyi, dog/s, cow/s & buffalo/s scare me.....) dogs are everywhere!!!!! Across the road, at the bus stop....And i really need someone to help me to 'get rid or pass' the dogs. So i turn back, get help or advise from the people at the house nearby...The lady said just follow this road, the dogs at this side are the good one but across the road are the bad one~evil. I notice one of the ladies there is my mom but seem like she dont know me..so i continue my journey. Surprise, surprise...there's no more dogs, but there are a few people at the bus stop waiting for may be bus...who know. So i stand with them, assuming that they are waiting for a bus. Then i befriended with these 2 i-never-meet-them-before girls. That was when a car or should i say 'muscle car' stop in front of us and they invite me to come with them, sooooo... since i need a ride home...so i accept. Suddenly all the magic things happen, the girls transform to guys, the surrounding change...from 'more brown than green village' to 'with green hills and field, and bluewiss green mountains'~ the place where i always find my 'peaceful feeling'. And i know i was happy here, the happiest moment of my 'dream'. And i also 'find' my 'bestfriend' here, and thank God that person is 'female' but a bit boyish or aka adventurous girl (atleast i have one girl bestfriend, or may be its my fault that in real life i only have guy bestfriends~duh!)..Ahhh...i love the feeling~Friends, Adventure, Laughter.....
At the end of the dream, finally i found my Bathroom!!!! Bigger than in real life :D but love the feeling.

I love this kind of dream. Its balance, circle of life... Lost, afraid, alone, 'being advised & listened to it', scare, relief, happy, friends, peace, laughter and last but not least,...found that 'bathroom' Hehehehehe...... Did i forget God in my dream? Hmm.....

The ME....

I miss the 'old' me...not that i dont like the 'new' me but the 'old' one much more fun, a lot more happier, merrier, friendlier, adventurer...dont give a damn about make-up or 'ladylike'r. Being a women so damn stressful, but i dont want to be a guy either! Can i be a god? Kidding!
But, thank God.. there are still a few things that stay the same, like my love for country music, spicy foods and Beach!!!!! Sometimes, i can feel my heart aching for some action. I wish that i can just climb whatever tree i want, wear whatever i want, move-i mean dance wherever i am... Ahhhh....Even now i can feel Part of me is Dancing in the Sky, surrounded by the Stars... I can feel the peaceful feeling that i've been longing for so long.... longer that i can remember..
I can imagine myself running through the fields, the hills, the gardens...... Even now i dont 'think' but i just imagine all that and my hand dancing with the keyboard while listening to country music.. Then, i rest for a while, inhale and the music change from Christian Kane to Gretchen Wilson. Then i back from my Imaginary World.

T(w)o Days

For 2 days in a row, im bellydancing and eating bananas.
For 2 days in a row, im bellydancing at (around) 10pm to 11 plus plus pm.
For 2 days in a row, i wish im a bellydancer, pro bellydancer.
For 2 days in a row, i wish i have fit & toned abs.
For 2 days in a row, i wish ...............

Your Fate is in Your Hand

For i believe in Myself,
For i believe in God,
For i believe in Prayer,
For i believe in Love,
For i believe in Miracle,
For i believe in Me!

Happy Father's Day

Supposed to be posted 'exactly' on Father's day but i can only type the title on that day. Thats the problem when using Iphone to do any posting. Or may be because i dont know how to use Iphone to do 'blogging'.. Hmmm.. So, here's the story.
Woke up in the morning, take a shower & get ready for Brunch. I almost forgot to wish my Dad Happy Father's Day. Then i text my mum to wish my dad Happy Father's day. Why didn't i wish him myself? Because my dad keep changing his phone number that i dont know which is the right number. Hehehehe...mission one, complete.
Later that night, we had 'Father's Day' dinner, with mi wolfie's family. Took some photo with them and my favorite activity - cake time!!!!! Yum yum! We had Chocolate Cheese Cake~ I like! Mission two, complete.
Earlier that day, I thought my day gonna have the 'happy ending' thingy. But i was wrong, i end up being scolded & mad at, not one but two persons...sigh*. And i slept with heavy & sad heart.....Mission three, fail!

My 'Gift'

Today, i mean yesterday... i found out that my Boss taking leave until next week. Its gonna be a very very Boring working day without her. I want my Boss back!!! Selfish ain't it? But seriously, its really really boring at the office without my Boss bossing around...What a Gift :( hmmm...sigh...
Went to the gym after almost a fortnight i didnt go...And it was Refreshing :) And i really enjoyed it..(Luv the feeling aka Gift) Soon after that i went to have a supper with my Girlfriends, and guess what? I had spaghetti with Grilled Chicken and Coke with Lemon...there goes my Core exercise...and my Gift :( But i really enjoy catching up with my Girls. Miss them already!
'Later that night'...my wolfie called, he said he got something for me. A Gift. And he said he want to give it to me tonight, not tomorrow but tonight.. And here's the Gift...i mean Gifts, excluding the barbie :)

White Spider

Last night i dreamt about White Spider....in my dream, im a bit scare of that spider because i never seen a white spider before, and im also curious about it.
Then, this morning i google up the meaning of my dream, i mean the white spider thingy. White spider mean hope, positive energy...but since i feel scared in my dream, then i have to be careful because it also written 'enemy behind closed door'. Sigh....Good vs Evil.

Im In Luv With 'Him' but not 'Him' exactly....

Im in love with Dean....but not Jensen. Only Dean... I dont mind telling the whole world that im in love with Dean...Yup, Dean....

I Love My Pan

Last sunday, mi wolfie bought this non-stick pan for me...so that i can learn cooking.. Now i have to learn how to use this 'properly'. As a beginner, i will learn to make / cook pancake...or fried egg or omelette...Hehehehe.
Then, i will 'google' up new recipes, the easy one and learn to know or identify herbs / cooking ingredient.... Hahaha, well...easier said than done LOL! Im so excited about my new pan that i tidy up 'my kitchen' cabinet, to make room for my pan :) Its a good things because i found out that one of my glass bowl broke, dont know since when or what cause it to break, and i have a lot of plastic food containers..in different size. And also two broken can opener. Now i have to buy new can opener. Hmmm...

Anyway, Thanks Wolfie... Big huggie for you!

When i Stop Loving you.. When Hope is just a Hope

How you're gonna make it through,

When you think you lost your chance....

Play on, when you're losing the game,

'Cause you're gonna make mistakes,

But it's always worth the sacrifice...

Even when you think you're wrong.

Even though it's the storm on the darkest night,

Don't you ever give up the fight,

Even when you feel you're all alone.

I'll move on, just like you.

It'll break my heart but I'll get through.

Someday when I stop loving you....

I bet all I had on a thing called LOVE,

I guess in the end it wasn't enough...

And it will be hard to watch you leave,

But i'm gonna have to learn to let you go somehow,

Someday when I stop loving you.....

Coffee Bean Or Toffee Bean?

Been craving for Coffee Bean Ice Blended since Monday, and i get it today-3rd of June!! Yahooo! Too bad, i got it after an 'argument' annnnd we agreed to disagree-for my part. Hmmm....!
Well....they said coffee will 'energized' you, is it true? Cos for me, it make me High...or sleepy and thats why i called it Toffee! After i finish my 'ice blended Toffee bean'...i fall asleep. Can you believe that? Or may be im just tired from walking cos i have to walk may be a mile or two to get my Toffee Bean. But still......im still sleepy, or may be because im a 'sleepy head'.. Im sleepy all the time~Whats wrong with me?! Hmm...Thinking....
Btw, my journey to get my Toffee ~ Cars, lots of cars....rain, puddle of water...smelly bustop and car, cars again...but im so satisfied with my Toffee!
Sweet dream tonight, baby! Me got my Toffee! And Thank you, Jesus...for my Toffee!!! Psst psst... me want more!!!

Mahua Waterfall

On the 29th of May 2010, me & my friends (aka Bodyguards) went to Mahua Waterfall (after i 'down to knees' begging them to go :D ..). Located in Tambunan or to be more precise, in Kampung Patau, Tambunan, Sabah (Borneo) & approximate 1½ or 2 hours...drive from Kota Kinabalu (Capital city of Sabah). And.....walking 15minutes or 30 from the main entrance (its depends how fast you walk :D )
Mahua Waterfall is a pristine natural fall that nestled deep in the tropical forest of the Crocker Mountain Range. This waterfall is approximately 17 metres tall and has a pool depth of 1.3 metres. This is the second time i went there. First time in December 1999, when 'the Government' haven't done or upgraded anything yet, no entrance fee & 'more natural'..
This is the entrance to the waterfall. We have to walk from here.

Small stream here....Beside the rough muddy trail.

What should i call this? Quite small for a river....

The steps going downhill...to avoid the slippery muddy trail during raining season..

Some 'big' tree along the way.

Or should i shout 'TIMBER!!!!' :)

The bridge to cross the 'small' river.

The Waterfall's view from afar..(from the bridge)

Atlast! We reached there, 500m walking through muddy, slippery jungle trail.

My 'bodyguards' ;)

Next time....i'll be ready-to take a dip in the pool :)

Beach Life #1

So.....im 'craving' for sunbathing & swallowing sea water? LOL! Its raining season and i wanna go to the beach or island, to be more specific. Now im hunting for new bikini, the one that have 'the Brazilian touch'....That must be AWESOME!!!!! Ok, this is my plan. Find that Bikini, then i will 'find' my island. Cant wait for that!!! Even thinking about Beach make me wanna dance~ Oh yeah...! My first trip to Manukan Island..Got stung by Jellybug twice (i think....) but still....it was fun & peaceful... Just what im looking for.
Next trip im gonna wear something bright! May be cyan or white colour, then again it just MAYBE :)

My Online Diary...

My blog is my online Diary... Seem like this is more 'private' than facebook or tagged....etc etc.

Seem like most people are more 'open up' & 'alive' in their blog than in any other 'social network'..
Its make me happy to read others happy blog & trying to put myself to others sad story, trying to understand.
My blog is my online diary....